Exposed

That's how this post makes me feel. Early quarter-life crisis. That's the best way to describe my life as of late. I honestly have no idea what I'm doing with my life anymore. School is on hold and has been for awhile. While I really like Psychology and used to feel like it was what I was supposed to get my degree in, now I'm not so sure. I have no idea what I would change my major to if I switched. If I'm being really honest with myself, even if I knew what to study I'm not sure if I would go back to school right now. The truth is I'm afraid. Before my hiatus from school, I was failing. I'm afraid that if I go back to school I'll fail again. I know fear isn't a good enough reason to keep me from continuing my education, but it's hard to get over. I'm also currently looking for a new job, which isn't fun.

On Facebook, I see people that I started school with that have now graduated (some with their Master's), gotten married, had children and have great jobs that they love. I can't help comparing myself to them, even though I know it's a terrible and damaging thing to do. Call me a glutton for punishment. I know that what I'm seeing is only what they choose to share and that their lives are probably not as perfect as they seem in the photos and status updates, but at least they're progressing.

I was talking with my roommate the other night and I related myself to pond scum because that's what you get when water becomes stagnant, much like my life. I promise my self esteem isn't nearly as bad as this sounds. However, I feel like I'm just stuck and I'm not sure how to get going again. I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. Having been depressed previously (not formally diagnosed because I was too stubborn to go get counselling when the opportunity was presented to me), I'm recognizing some of the same behaviors that I exhibited before. Depression was the main contributing factor to my horrendous grades. If my life had some semblance of purpose I most likely would not be feeling this way, but trying to figure out what I need/should/want to be doing just gives me anxiety.

It's a cycle. I don't know what to do with my life so I make no progress. I make no progress and feel depressed. I feel depressed and have no idea where to go from here. I try to figure it out but get stressed and frustrated that I have no idea what to do, which means no progress and more depression. I don't think anyone can tell I'm feeling this way because I always try to be as normal and as happy as I can when I'm around anyone. My wonderful roommates also help a lot with getting me to do things. If it weren't for them, I might not get out of bed some days. Whenever I say anything about how my life is going nowhere, I do it very jokingly and play it off like it's not a big deal.

I know a lot of people my age go through a period of questioning life choices and the future, hence why a quarter-life crisis is a thing. I know I'll eventually figure it out when I can learn to let the fear and doubt stop being controlling factors, but it's hard. I'm not writing this to complain about how much my life sucks, because it really doesn't. I know that. I just really needed to express my thoughts and feelings. This is my outlet.

Some words of encouragement for myself courtesy of Pinterest 

I really need to work harder at not letting the doubts I have (about everything right now) dictate my life. I need to remember to have faith in the plan that Heavenly Father has for me and that everything will work out how it should. While writing this and finding the quotes from above, I realized that I haven't been that prayerful and faithful while trying to figure out my options and make decisions. I haven't been exercising faith in God or myself. I'm sure that's played a big part in why I haven't been able to take even the tiniest step forward in any direction. Now that I'm aware of this, maybe that will change. 

Thanksgiving Break 2013

On Wednesday, after 13 hours in a car, I was home! It was so nice to be home for Thanksgiving this year, the first in four years. I'm sad I didn't get to see everyone though. Since it was a surprise that I was coming, some family made other plans and I wasn't able to see all my siblings. Luckily, I'll be back for Christmas in 21 days. 

This Thanksgiving was pretty special because we had eight Oregon State football players and 2 of their girlfriends join us for dinner since my cousin is a freshman on the team. My younger cousins had a blast playing with them and they were very entertaining. They were very friendly and enjoyable to have around. We had a lot of food, but they didn't eat as much as you would expect since some of them had the Civil War game (Oregon State vs University of Oregon) the next day and the ones that didn't play had to watch their weight. We played a game of Spoons with Fred, my cousin's roommate, and they all went swimming after dinner. It was a great day.

Yesterday was the Civil War and sadly we didn't win, for the sixth year in a row. We lost by one point, which is almost worse than losing by a lot just because we were SO CLOSE. It was fun how the family kept looking for my cousin and the players we had over the day before on TV. We saw them a few times. It was pretty exciting. 

I had also spent over an hour on the phone with Verizon. My grandma was on the phone for a while and we found out they had made a mistake and wanted me to change my phone number because of it. I was going to go along with it just because I didn't want to make things difficult for Nana, but I didn't really want to change my number. I took over the call and after over 2 hours on the phone between the two us, we finally got it resolved. Working at a call center has its perks because I definitely knew how to get them to fix it our way. I still have the same number :)

Today I spent most of the day shopping with my aunt and sister Sunhee. She has her first formal dance next week. She is in Jr. High and growing up so fast! We went to seven different stores before finding the dress. It was hard because she is small so it was hard finding the balance between something that fit but looked her age and not too childish, but we did it. One of the highlights of the day was watching her try to walk in heels for the first time. I would compare it to watching Bambi walk. She went with some cute wedges since they give her the height (oh the curse of the short Asian genes) but are still comfortable and she can actually walk in them. 

I spent most of the evening held up in the craft room making Christmas decorations for my apartment. They are so cute! I'll post pictures when they are finished. Now I'm just finishing a movie and then I'll be off to bed so I can get up bright and early for the trip back to Utah. To sum up, it was a great (albeit extremely short) break and trip home.

*Actually posted on March 11, 2015 but I used the date I wrote it. I think I just forgot to post it.*

Well I'm Going Home...

Back to the place where I belong. Are you singing that song now? Its the eve before the eve of Thanksgiving. Three hours and counting until I start the drive home with two friends. I'm so grateful that I have the opportunity to take a few extra days of (paid!) time off so I can go home. I don't get to go home very often and its always too short. While this is a short visit, I'll be on my way back in a few short weeks for Christmas. I'm excited for the road trip, it should be fun. And my siblings don't know that I'm coming so it will be a surprise. I can't wait to see everyone!

The one thing that I'm sad about is that I'll be away from best friend and roommate Amber, AKA Panda. We have so much fun together! She's like my sister out here in Utah while I'm away from my sisters back home. She's my Bosom Friend, for those who have seen Anne of Green Gables. Sometimes we read children's books with accents (Amber's not that great at it, but it's fun watching her try). We tell bedtime stories to each other, often made up stories about how we meet our future husbands while travelling abroad. They are are like a made for TV Hallmark or Lifetime movie. In other words, they're awesome. We laugh. A LOT. We both hate being apart and talk about how we are going to be neighbors when we're older and our kids are going to be best friends.

During the summer she went on a 2 week Europe tour and I made
her a little scavenger hunt list for each place. She liked it and took a
picture of some of them for me to see.

A closer look at the lists.

I've gone camping with her family.

Please enjoy some of our text conversations. I'm blue.

We love Pitch Perfect and using hash tags (#)  in texts.

We've started playing The Bacon Game. You replace one word in a movie title with the word bacon. Some of favorites are Legally Bacon, He's Just Not That Into Bacon, Girls Just Want to Have Bacon, The Sound of Bacon, The Secret Life of Bacon, etc. The list goes on...literally. We've been keeping track of the good ones. Try it out and see what you come up with. If its a good one, you should leave it as a comment.

Now she loves her purple hair.

That was just a glimpse into our relationship. One of these days Amber wants to come visit Oregon. That will be a fun trip. Hopefully it will be sooner rather than later. 

Anyway, maybe I should sleep a little before we leave, but I doubt it. I probably won't post again until after Thanksgiving, so to anyone actually reading this, I hope you have an enjoyable holiday with those you love and be safe to anyone traveling like I am.