The Happier Side Of Life

The last post (my first post in over a year) was a real downer, but I really needed to get my feelings out. I suck when it comes to writing in a journal, I don't like my handwriting and it's just easier to blog. Plus, I'm pretty sure no one even reads this. In case anyone still does, I wanted to just share some photographic evidence to show that I don't feel like my sucks all the time.

After a BYU Divine Comedy Show

Later that same night

Sarah's birthday dinner at her family's home in Lehi

Sarah and Brianna wanted in the picture too

This sums us up pretty well

When Kaushay and Shaina (not pictured) came over to play Just Dance

Before we played a drinking game while watching Friends

My new hamster Guillermo...photogenic little guy, isn't he?

Eating...because that's what you do while watching the Super Bowl

Me, Kevin (zombie), Eddie, Shaina, Brianna

Our ward had a Warm Bodies themed activity on Friday the 13th instead of a regular Valentine's theme. Some people dressed up as a zombie. There was another ward having an activity in the room next door and let us use their photo booth. All of us except Kevin ended up going to the stake dance of Brianna's friend's cousin. Shaina's roommate Savannah ended up meeting us there later. It was a lot of fun.

After church one Sunday

Gangstas

I went to the Puppy Barn with Amber and Anjuli

Me and Kirstin after church...I curled her hair and she wanted a picture, 

though you can't see it very well

Sarah and I in our animal onesies. She got Tigger and I got a kangaroo. Kirstin got one too, a dinosaur. She wasn't home when we took this. She's actually rarely home because she basically lives on campus. No joke. She spends 18 hours on campus on an almost daily basis. Sometimes more, rarely less. The engineering building is the only one open 24 hours a day. Oh, the life of a computer engineer major. Kirstin's costume came a month before ours did. It was quite the ordeal getting ours because of our mail lady. We weren't even a little embarrassed when a couple guys walked by as we took this because we were so excited to finally have them :)

Last Friday night, all of my roommates were gone. I was bored and decided to make a video to one of our favorite songs, "Shake It Off" by Taylor Swift. It's not the greatest music video ever made, obviously, since I have no experience whatsoever. I just had fun messing around with Windows Live Movie Maker. I applaud people that make great music videos because it was hard taking all of the different clips and putting them together and making sure the music synced up close enough with the videos.  It would have been a little easier if I didn't have so many short clips to put together, but in the six videos I filmed of myself, there was still quite a bit of time where I was doing nothing. Even though I was alone, it was still a little awkward for me dance while looking at my phone. The fan I danced with is Sarah's and the cowboy hat is Brianna's. I'm really hoping that only family members (and maybe some really close friends) watch this since I'm pretty embarrassed, but I'm pretty pleased with how it turned out and I hope it puts a smile on your face. 

Exposed

That's how this post makes me feel. Early quarter-life crisis. That's the best way to describe my life as of late. I honestly have no idea what I'm doing with my life anymore. School is on hold and has been for awhile. While I really like Psychology and used to feel like it was what I was supposed to get my degree in, now I'm not so sure. I have no idea what I would change my major to if I switched. If I'm being really honest with myself, even if I knew what to study I'm not sure if I would go back to school right now. The truth is I'm afraid. Before my hiatus from school, I was failing. I'm afraid that if I go back to school I'll fail again. I know fear isn't a good enough reason to keep me from continuing my education, but it's hard to get over. I'm also currently looking for a new job, which isn't fun.

On Facebook, I see people that I started school with that have now graduated (some with their Master's), gotten married, had children and have great jobs that they love. I can't help comparing myself to them, even though I know it's a terrible and damaging thing to do. Call me a glutton for punishment. I know that what I'm seeing is only what they choose to share and that their lives are probably not as perfect as they seem in the photos and status updates, but at least they're progressing.

I was talking with my roommate the other night and I related myself to pond scum because that's what you get when water becomes stagnant, much like my life. I promise my self esteem isn't nearly as bad as this sounds. However, I feel like I'm just stuck and I'm not sure how to get going again. I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. Having been depressed previously (not formally diagnosed because I was too stubborn to go get counselling when the opportunity was presented to me), I'm recognizing some of the same behaviors that I exhibited before. Depression was the main contributing factor to my horrendous grades. If my life had some semblance of purpose I most likely would not be feeling this way, but trying to figure out what I need/should/want to be doing just gives me anxiety.

It's a cycle. I don't know what to do with my life so I make no progress. I make no progress and feel depressed. I feel depressed and have no idea where to go from here. I try to figure it out but get stressed and frustrated that I have no idea what to do, which means no progress and more depression. I don't think anyone can tell I'm feeling this way because I always try to be as normal and as happy as I can when I'm around anyone. My wonderful roommates also help a lot with getting me to do things. If it weren't for them, I might not get out of bed some days. Whenever I say anything about how my life is going nowhere, I do it very jokingly and play it off like it's not a big deal.

I know a lot of people my age go through a period of questioning life choices and the future, hence why a quarter-life crisis is a thing. I know I'll eventually figure it out when I can learn to let the fear and doubt stop being controlling factors, but it's hard. I'm not writing this to complain about how much my life sucks, because it really doesn't. I know that. I just really needed to express my thoughts and feelings. This is my outlet.

Some words of encouragement for myself courtesy of Pinterest 

I really need to work harder at not letting the doubts I have (about everything right now) dictate my life. I need to remember to have faith in the plan that Heavenly Father has for me and that everything will work out how it should. While writing this and finding the quotes from above, I realized that I haven't been that prayerful and faithful while trying to figure out my options and make decisions. I haven't been exercising faith in God or myself. I'm sure that's played a big part in why I haven't been able to take even the tiniest step forward in any direction. Now that I'm aware of this, maybe that will change. 

Thanksgiving Break 2013

On Wednesday, after 13 hours in a car, I was home! It was so nice to be home for Thanksgiving this year, the first in four years. I'm sad I didn't get to see everyone though. Since it was a surprise that I was coming, some family made other plans and I wasn't able to see all my siblings. Luckily, I'll be back for Christmas in 21 days. 

This Thanksgiving was pretty special because we had eight Oregon State football players and 2 of their girlfriends join us for dinner since my cousin is a freshman on the team. My younger cousins had a blast playing with them and they were very entertaining. They were very friendly and enjoyable to have around. We had a lot of food, but they didn't eat as much as you would expect since some of them had the Civil War game (Oregon State vs University of Oregon) the next day and the ones that didn't play had to watch their weight. We played a game of Spoons with Fred, my cousin's roommate, and they all went swimming after dinner. It was a great day.

Yesterday was the Civil War and sadly we didn't win, for the sixth year in a row. We lost by one point, which is almost worse than losing by a lot just because we were SO CLOSE. It was fun how the family kept looking for my cousin and the players we had over the day before on TV. We saw them a few times. It was pretty exciting. 

I had also spent over an hour on the phone with Verizon. My grandma was on the phone for a while and we found out they had made a mistake and wanted me to change my phone number because of it. I was going to go along with it just because I didn't want to make things difficult for Nana, but I didn't really want to change my number. I took over the call and after over 2 hours on the phone between the two us, we finally got it resolved. Working at a call center has its perks because I definitely knew how to get them to fix it our way. I still have the same number :)

Today I spent most of the day shopping with my aunt and sister Sunhee. She has her first formal dance next week. She is in Jr. High and growing up so fast! We went to seven different stores before finding the dress. It was hard because she is small so it was hard finding the balance between something that fit but looked her age and not too childish, but we did it. One of the highlights of the day was watching her try to walk in heels for the first time. I would compare it to watching Bambi walk. She went with some cute wedges since they give her the height (oh the curse of the short Asian genes) but are still comfortable and she can actually walk in them. 

I spent most of the evening held up in the craft room making Christmas decorations for my apartment. They are so cute! I'll post pictures when they are finished. Now I'm just finishing a movie and then I'll be off to bed so I can get up bright and early for the trip back to Utah. To sum up, it was a great (albeit extremely short) break and trip home.

*Actually posted on March 11, 2015 but I used the date I wrote it. I think I just forgot to post it.*