Exposed

That's how this post makes me feel. Early quarter-life crisis. That's the best way to describe my life as of late. I honestly have no idea what I'm doing with my life anymore. School is on hold and has been for awhile. While I really like Psychology and used to feel like it was what I was supposed to get my degree in, now I'm not so sure. I have no idea what I would change my major to if I switched. If I'm being really honest with myself, even if I knew what to study I'm not sure if I would go back to school right now. The truth is I'm afraid. Before my hiatus from school, I was failing. I'm afraid that if I go back to school I'll fail again. I know fear isn't a good enough reason to keep me from continuing my education, but it's hard to get over. I'm also currently looking for a new job, which isn't fun.

On Facebook, I see people that I started school with that have now graduated (some with their Master's), gotten married, had children and have great jobs that they love. I can't help comparing myself to them, even though I know it's a terrible and damaging thing to do. Call me a glutton for punishment. I know that what I'm seeing is only what they choose to share and that their lives are probably not as perfect as they seem in the photos and status updates, but at least they're progressing.

I was talking with my roommate the other night and I related myself to pond scum because that's what you get when water becomes stagnant, much like my life. I promise my self esteem isn't nearly as bad as this sounds. However, I feel like I'm just stuck and I'm not sure how to get going again. I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. Having been depressed previously (not formally diagnosed because I was too stubborn to go get counselling when the opportunity was presented to me), I'm recognizing some of the same behaviors that I exhibited before. Depression was the main contributing factor to my horrendous grades. If my life had some semblance of purpose I most likely would not be feeling this way, but trying to figure out what I need/should/want to be doing just gives me anxiety.

It's a cycle. I don't know what to do with my life so I make no progress. I make no progress and feel depressed. I feel depressed and have no idea where to go from here. I try to figure it out but get stressed and frustrated that I have no idea what to do, which means no progress and more depression. I don't think anyone can tell I'm feeling this way because I always try to be as normal and as happy as I can when I'm around anyone. My wonderful roommates also help a lot with getting me to do things. If it weren't for them, I might not get out of bed some days. Whenever I say anything about how my life is going nowhere, I do it very jokingly and play it off like it's not a big deal.

I know a lot of people my age go through a period of questioning life choices and the future, hence why a quarter-life crisis is a thing. I know I'll eventually figure it out when I can learn to let the fear and doubt stop being controlling factors, but it's hard. I'm not writing this to complain about how much my life sucks, because it really doesn't. I know that. I just really needed to express my thoughts and feelings. This is my outlet.

Some words of encouragement for myself courtesy of Pinterest 

I really need to work harder at not letting the doubts I have (about everything right now) dictate my life. I need to remember to have faith in the plan that Heavenly Father has for me and that everything will work out how it should. While writing this and finding the quotes from above, I realized that I haven't been that prayerful and faithful while trying to figure out my options and make decisions. I haven't been exercising faith in God or myself. I'm sure that's played a big part in why I haven't been able to take even the tiniest step forward in any direction. Now that I'm aware of this, maybe that will change.